ALREADY FALLING (CHAPTERS 1 - 5)

Part 1 - Childhood

Chapter 1 - Annika

As soon as I push myself through the heavy double doors to the cafeteria, I know today won’t be like any other day. The smell of floor cleaner and two-day-old pizza hits my nose first. It is a typical smell for this place on a Monday. As soon as I walk in, I see the new boy for the first time. The girls in my class were whispering about him this morning before our teacher did roll call. They mentioned there was a new kid in the other fourth-grade class across the hall. They were saying how cute he was and who was going to kiss him first.

Gross.

I don’t understand why the girls in my class are so obsessed with boys. They smell like dirt and are always burping.

But here he is, the new kid, standing at the salad bar. Looking at him gives me a weird tingling feeling in my tummy. I grab a peanut butter and jelly sandwich after scanning my lunch card and make my way to the salad bar, standing across from him with only sliced tomatoes and celery sticks separating us. He is about my height, which isn’t out of the ordinary since I stand in the back row of the class pictures. He has messy brown hair with little blond streaks that look like the sun brushed its fingers through his hair. 

I grab an apple, so it doesn’t look weird that I’m staring at him. His arms are tan, and there are freckles along his hands and cheeks like he spent all summer outside. I wonder why he moved to Ojai. It’s so boring here. Especially since we are already a few months into the school year.

I wonder where he’s going to eat his lunch? I think as he fills his plate with orange slices and wanders over to the table with the rest of his class. The lunch room is divided by classes, with each getting their own long lunch table. But everyone sits in clumps along the table, huddled around their friends. The kickball boys, as I like to call them, sit at the far end of the table, while me and my friends sit on the other end. The boys are usually too rowdy and throw food at each other. As the new boy approaches his class’s table, I see my friend Isaac wave at him to sit near them. I look down at his outfit. He’s wearing baggy jeans and a sweater without a hood. He has skateboard shoes on. Those big chunky ones.

I join my friends at my lunch table and try to be smooth about glancing over Chloe’s giant head of curls to look at the new boy. He is laughing and chatting with the other boys in his class as if he’s been here since kindergarten. Chloe keeps waving her hands around the air as she tells a story about her parents arguing last weekend. She said she locked herself in her room, and they promised to buy her a new toy if she unlocked the door. So that’s how she ended up with a new paint set.

Chloe is my best friend for life. “BFFL,” like our friendship bracelets say. She knows me better than my own mother! I can have a look on my face, and she just knows I ate too much bread and my tummy is hurting. She’s been my friend for as long as I can remember. Which isn’t that long since I’m only nine. We do everything together. We are always in the same class and hang out almost every weekend. Last spring, we both played soccer, and after the first practice, we both decided we hated playing soccer.

* * *

I moved to Ojai in first grade. I don’t remember too much before we moved, but my parents said we used to live in Santa Barbara, which is a few towns away. But I remember the first day at my new school like it was yesterday. I was so nervous to be in a new school and didn’t know anyone. The school looked so big back then.

My mom, Mia (or Mamma Mia as my dad calls her), walked with me to my classroom and introduced me to my teacher, Mr. Kelly. He looked younger than my parents, was tall, and wore a brown suit jacket like my dad wears when he goes to work. My dad, Eddie, sells people their dream houses for work. Sometimes he takes me with him when he gets it all nice to show people. I like pretending which room would be mine if I lived there.

Mr. Kelly had a seating chart and led me to my seat. The classroom was decorated for the fall season, and Mr. Kelly had made a big paper-mâché tree in the corner with orange and red leaves on it.

Everyone else in the class filed in, and a girl with wild curly hair plopped down next to me. She looked to be a whole head shorter than I was and had those cool light-up shoes I always see commercials for on TV. All the desks were paired up in rows in the room. She pulled out a purple notebook with “Chloe” written in big letters with a heart around it on the front.

“Welcome to first grade, everyone! I’m Mr. Kelly, and I can’t wait to learn new things with you this year.”

“Hi, Mr. Kelly,” we all responded in a sing-song way that made him laugh.

“First, I’d like you all to grab a leaf from this big tree over here, write your name and birthdays on it, and stick it back on the tree. Go ahead!”

He made a big jump back as kids started rushing over to the tree.

I grabbed a pretty orange leaf and started shuffling through my backpack, looking for my pencil. I felt my stomach drop when I realized I forgot my pencil case in my room. I made a big deal at the store with my mom that we needed to get pens and pencils for school, and I couldn’t believe I had left the case on my desk at home. I felt tears start to form in my eyes. I kept holding my breath, hoping the rush of feelings would stop.

“Hey, are you okay?” The girl next to me poked my arm.

I sniffled and looked over at her. She had a really pretty pink ruffle shirt on and heart earrings that sparkled like her blue eyes. Her nose was turned up a little bit like a button, and her cheeks were pink like my mom’s roses. 

“I forgot my pencil case, and now they’re going to put me back in kindergarten,” I responded to her, sniffling again.

She knocked her head back, laughing.

“Shhhh, I don’t want Mr. Kelly to find out.” I looked over at our teacher, who roamed the class helping the other kids write their names.

“You are so silly. Mr. Kelly is so nice, don’t worry.” She tried to pat my shoulder to calm me down, but I was still worried. “Hey, I have some extra pencils. You can have one of mine.”

She reached into her bag and handed me a green pencil with hearts on it.

“You really like hearts,” I said to her while taking her pencil. “Thank you, I’m Annika. I’ll give you back the pencil tomorrow when I bring my pencil case with me.”

“I’m Chloe, and keep the pencil, my gift to you as my new friend.” She gave me a big smile, and I saw she was missing one of her front teeth.

Chloe sat next to me during lunch that first day, and we’ve been sitting next to each other ever since. She introduced me to her other friend, Desiree, who always wore her brown hair in a ponytail. The three of us played on the monkey bars at recess.

Chloe is like the sister I don’t have, braiding my hair while we have slumber parties. I help her with her long division, and she helps me pronounce big words during our reading. I know she’ll be my best friend for my entire life.

* * *

It’s been a whole month, and I’ve only seen the new boy a couple of other times since first sighting him in the cafeteria. Every time I see him, I feel these swirls of bees in my stomach. One time, his class passed by mine in a single file line on their way to the safety assembly. I tried to pretend like I was tying my shoe, and when I stood up, he was inches from my face as he passed by. I didn’t have the salad bar blocking my view that time and, unfortunately, discovered that he was the most gorgeous boy on planet Earth.

None of the other boys in my class, heck in my grade, even compare to him. His hair flops when he walks, and every time he smiles, his twinkly green eyes curl up at the corners. He smells like a typical boy. But in a good way, not that sweaty smell like my little brothers. He smells like my dad’s cologne mixed with freshly cut grass. It was a matter of time before Chloe was going to start catching on to my peeks.

There is another assembly today, and we are waiting in a single file line for the multi-Purpose Room. Our class is always ready first, but Miss Barone’s class across the hall goes first because her last name is before my teacher Miss Hazel. I know the new boy is going to come out, so I keep looking toward their door. Chloe is talking her head off to me, and I try to nod to look like I know what she’s saying.

“So I begged my mom to rent that new movie, The Notebook, but she said it is for grown-ups. Even though I already have a boyfriend and read teenage fashion magazines—hey, Anni, are you listening?”

She turns her head around her shoulder to see where my eyes keep darting.

Chloe is absolutely obsessed with love and romance and anything with a heart on it. Anything the color pink and red. She will not stop talking about the movie Love, Actually ever since she saw it at her aunt’s house over Christmas. When we got back from holiday break, she asked Isaac Mercado to be her boyfriend. Isaac tells fart jokes and wears ripped jeans. The way his curly, black hair would fall into his eyes was pretty cute, but he always interrupted class during assemblies, and the principal made our grade leave last to recess. Isaac was so excited to be her boyfriend that he told almost everyone he saw right away. He even told my mom when she gave him a ride home one time since he lives across the street from me.

Chloe’s eyes bug out big when she turns back to me. “You’re looking for the new boy, aren’t you?”

“Shhhhhhhhhhh, keep your voice down!” I whisper as I grab her shoulders to look back at me.

“Oh my gosh, you love him.” She giggles as her eyes move to my cheeks, which are warming up by the minute. I feel like I’m going to barf.

“I do not! His eyes just look like green marbles, and I like his band T-shirts.” He passes us, and we see him wearing a dark green shirt that says “Sum 41” on the front.

“Psh, like you even know what band that is, whatever, you love him.” She rolls her eyes and resumes her thought. “Anyway, my mom let me rent Mean Girls instead. Desi said it was hilarious. And I was thinking of getting cheese pizza.”

I’m relieved she stopped talking about the new boy. I might’ve fainted if she kept saying I love him. I do not love him. I barely know him. And, no, I don’t know any of the bands on his shirts, but I think they are still cool.

All I know about him is he is tallish, smells like nature, has a laugh that makes you laugh and knows how to do a wheelie on his bike. I noticed one day after school he went to Isaac’s house, and I saw them through my bedroom window, riding around on bikes. I so badly wanted to work up the courage to join them.

“Can I get mushrooms on my half?” I say as Chloe scrunches up her nose.

“Ugh, I guess so, but don’t have them creep over to my half!” She is the pickiest eater ever and never wants to try anything new. My mom buys basic white bread just for Chloe when she comes to my house.

* * *

The school year is almost over, so the last recess feels like a taste of summer vacation. We finished our testing the week before, and I got all A’s. As a reward, my dad is taking me and my brothers to the minor league baseball game after school. The Ojai Owls! It is one of my favorite things to do, especially with my two younger brothers, Joey and Wes. It’s one of the few times we aren’t arguing with each other. I love getting sunflower seeds and cheering when our team makes a big hit.

Only one more recess and one more reading hour of school left before my dad picks me and my brothers up. They are in first grade, so I usually walk over to their classroom after school so we can wait for Dad together. My little twin brothers are so annoying sometimes, but it is my job as big sis to protect them. Even though they are twins, they look completely different. Joey and I look like our mom, Mamma Mia! Who said she took after her mom, who immigrated to California from Ireland. We each have black hair, fair skin, and dark eyes that practically look black. But he and I both have full lips like our dad. Joey likes to dress like a tough guy. Our dad helps him spike his hair into a faux-hawk.

Wes looks like a mini version of our dad, Eddie. They have Brazilian olive skin, fluffy light brown hair, and hazel eyes. He’s obsessed with dinosaurs and wears shirts that have T-Rexes on them. I love my little brothers so much, but they drive me nuts. Whenever I try to focus on my reading, they always come into my room and bounce on my bed, wanting me to play baseball with them in the backyard. I act like I don’t want to, but I secretly have fun playing with them.

This last recess before summer break, I will use every second to beat my other friend Desiree’s record in the monkey bar race. We are meeting at the park by my house next weekend to compete, so I’m using this recess to practice.

Desiree always wins, which bugs me.

I grab the hot metal bars and fling myself across. I am one bar away from beating her record, counting the seconds in my head. One bar away, and then Caleb Marconey jumps up and pushes me off the bars from the other side. I land hard on my hands and knees. The playground has wood chips to break your fall, but I always just end up with splinters and a piece of bark in my shoe.

I growl and am about to pummel Caleb’s face, but I see a freckled hand reach down to me. I look up and see those sweet, sparkly green eyes. I grab his hand and immediately feel tingles through my fingers.

“Are you okay? I saw you fall on my way to the kickball field.”

This is the first time I’ve heard him talk up close. He has a deeper, scratchier voice than I expected him to have, but I want him to keep talking so I can hear more of it.

“I got pushed, actually.” I stick my tongue out at Caleb, who ignores me and runs away to the swing set.

He giggles and reaches up to my hair. “Hey, you have some wood chips in your hair.”

He gently brushes the chips out of my hair, and I lose focus staring at his face. He has light freckles across his nose. I want to connect the dots and see what picture comes out. He also has dark eyebrows that look like caterpillars. When he touches my hair, I feel my knees turn into jelly.

He turns to run to the kickball field, but before he takes off, I yell after him, “Hey! What’s your name!”

He whips back around and gives me the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen in the entire world, those little corners of his eyes curling up with his smile. “Reid Parker. What’s yours?” he asks, slowly walking back to me.

“Annika Gomes!'' I shout back a little too loudly. I realize this when the kids on the jungle gym look over.

“Nice to meet you, Annika Gomes.”

I want the way he says my name to be permanently tattooed on my memory. He says it the way you’re supposed to say it. Ann-ika Go-mess. People always smoosh it together. I watch as he runs over to the kickball field to meet up with Isaac and some other boys from their class. Reid Parker.

Chloe rushes over to me from the drinking fountain. “Oh my gosh, he loves you, Anni! And you love him!” She jumps around me like a little bug. “I saw the whole thing. It was the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen. We have to plan your wedding!”

“You are obsessed with love. It’s a little scary.” She laughs and grabs my arm as we head over to our other friends by the playground. I’ve never been in love before and don’t know what it’s like, but ever since he touched my hand, that fuzzy feeling never went away.

Chapter 2 - Annika

Three years later

“It’s the first day of the rest of our lives,” Chloe says as I slide into the back of her dad’s car.

I am a bundle of nerves. I changed my outfit four times and begged my mom to put on some of her lip gloss. Chloe’s dad is taking us to school before he goes to work since we go to middle school now. I’m sure my little brothers are going to miss me. I won’t miss them bothering me, but I told them they need to tell me if anyone is mean to them now that I can’t keep an eye on them.

Chloe’s dad pulls up to the front of the campus, and we shuffle out. We make our way to the middle of the school, which is a huge amphitheater. It feels so much bigger than it did on our orientation day now that all the students are here. It has two stories of classrooms, not like elementary school. Plus, there is even a track and an entire soccer field to the side. We even have to change into gym uniforms for PE class. Chloe is right. This feels different from everything we’ve been used to doing.

Chloe is on her tiptoes, scanning the crowd. I’m sure she’s looking for our other friends so we can secure our meeting spot for lunch.

“Hey, I’m going to head to the music room and see if Desiree is there. Save me a seat next to you in first period!” Chloe skips off, and I’m left to wander and try to find our first class. We only have three together, and one is the first class of the day.

I make my way over to the second floor, where the seventh graders have their classes. I enjoy being early and picking the best seat. I turn the corner to head up the stairs. At the same time, someone comes barreling down and knocks into my shoulder, nearly toppling me over, but not before they grab my arm to keep me steady on my feet.

“Whoa, whoa, my bad, didn’t see you there.” My heart skips a beat as I recognize that soothing scratchy voice. I look up, and a pair of twinkly green eyes meet mine, and the corners turn up as a smile hits his face. “Oh hey, Annika, aren’t I always there to catch you when you fall.”

“Only because you’re the one to knock me over.”

I try to regain my balance and pull away from him, still not comfortable with the tingling feeling he gives me. He’s grown at least two inches over the summer, and his face looks more grown up somehow. I was hoping I’d run into him but didn’t think it would be the first day, heck, within the first minutes of stepping onto campus.

“That is so not true, and you know it!” he says, giving me a soft pat on my shoulder and then flipping the end of my hair. “Hey, did you get a haircut? It’s really straight along the bottom.”

I’m speechless as he drags his finger along the bottom of my shoulder-length hair. My mom took me to her hairstylist last week to get a fresh trim.

He scrunches his eyebrows up and chuckles at my inability to speak. “You’re so silly. I’ll see you around.”

He walks off but pivots back around me to give me a fist bump.

I return his fist bump and stand there in awe, still mute, nodding my head, a goofy smile on my face, and my fist hovering in the air. He runs his fingers through his hair, flings his backpack around one shoulder, and bounces off to class. I replay the incident about five times in my head as I walk up to my classroom. Gosh, Chloe is right. I might be in love with that boy.

By the time the fourth period comes around, I find out Reid has gym class at the same time as I do. I see him across the gym, stretching with his class. There are four different classes in the gym. His class is across from mine, and we are facing each other. He looks so cute in his gym outfit, even though it is the same one I am wearing. He just makes it look so sporty. When he lifts his arms during shoulder stretches, the sleeves of his shirt fall, and I notice some arm muscles on his tan arms. Reid is turning into a man. Who am I kidding? I have such a crush on him. I should work up the courage to just ask him out already. I don’t know where we will go, but that’s what everyone says when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Last period of the day is History class, and luckily for me, my best friend is in it. Chloe and I try to make a mad dash for the back row, but our teacher clears his throat, and we look over to the whiteboard, where a seating chart is displayed. We grunt and wander over to see where we sit. We are still in the back row but not sitting next to one another. No, instead, Reid sits in between us.

Chloe turns to me, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Will you stop it!” I say in a shouting whisper.

She sticks out her tongue and finds her seat. I find my own seat and turn to Chloe, putting my hands on either side of my head with my tongue sticking out to her. She returns the gesture by crossing her eyes and puffing her cheeks out.

The classroom door opens and interrupts our display of silly faces as I see Reid strolling in and heading to the whiteboard. He turns and scans the room to look for his seat and walks down the row. As he slides onto his chair, he looks over at me and gives me a big smile.

“Heyyy, Anni, I had a feeling I’d see you again today.” He reaches over to give me a fist bump. The sound of my nickname out of his mouth sends a wave of tingles down my back.

“Are you psychic or something?” I return his fist bump.

“Dang, I might be! I also predicted it would be sunny today.”

“You sure are in a good mood for the first day of school.” I look up at our teacher, who is still waiting for a few more kids to file in.

“History is my favorite subject, so I’ve been looking forward to this class all day.” He pulls out his binder and pencils.

“You’re kidding. History is so boring. What do you like about it?” I glance over Reid’s shoulder and see Chloe blowing kisses in my direction, which makes me blush immediately.

Reid flips his head around, and Chloe almost falls out of her chair.

He turns back to me, laughing. “Oh man, it is going to be a trip to be in the middle of you two, isn’t it?”

Our teacher starts talking, introducing himself as Mr. Francisco, and I realize that I still don’t know why Reid likes history class so much.

* * *

A month into the school year and we start learning about European history, more specifically, the Vikings. Reid makes a fist-pump gesture as he walks into class, reading the whiteboard. It says, “Viking’s Unit” with a picture of a mean-looking Viking next to it.

“Wow, I’ve never seen anyone so pumped about Vikings before,” I say to Reid as he takes his seat.

“This is why history class is so cool. We get to learn about different time periods. I think it’s fun to learn how people used to live their everyday lives. Imagine living in Sweden or Norway, sailing around in fancy boats and making your own bowls out of rocks.”

“I thought the Vikings weren’t very nice.”

“Yeah, they were big jerks, but still, it’s interesting to learn things were so different from they are now.”

His eyes light up when he talks about the subject. I could listen to him talk all day about anything, really. I rest my head on my hand as I continue to listen to him talk about different time periods in history he thinks are cool. He likes the Renaissance era because of all the new things that were discovered. Ancient Greece had cool buildings, but his favorite time period was the Roaring Twenties for the way people dressed and when women could vote.

Our teacher starts playing a movie, and I see Chloe scribbling something on a small piece of paper in the corner of my eye. I try to ignore her and keep my eyes pointed toward the projector playing a documentary about the history of Sweden.

“Psst, Anni.” Butterflies start swirling around my stomach as I hear Reid whispering to get my attention.

I look over, and he has a folded piece of paper in his hands.

“From Chloe,” he whispers.

I take the paper making sure the teacher isn’t looking, and open it up.

Do you want to marry Reid?

O - Yes   O - No

I bug my eyes out, crumpling the paper on my chest, and look over to Chloe, who has her head lying on her desk tucked in her arms. I can see her chest bouncing up and down, holding in her laughter.

Reid looks over at me and Chloe with an eyebrow raised before shaking his head and turning his attention back to the movie.

I scribble a note back to Chloe.

Do you want to marry Reid?

O - Yes   X - No

I do NOT like him like that!

I nudge my foot against Reid’s to get his attention. I slide him the note, and he starts to open it, filling me with panic.

“No!” I say loudly.

Reid stops opening it and turns to me, as well as everyone else in the class. Chloe clasps her hands to her mouth, trying to hold in her laughter again. My teacher looks up from the movie with their head angled to the side and pauses the movie.

“Everything Okay Annika?” The teacher stands. I hope they didn’t notice us passing notes.

I swallow and look at the movie that I haven’t been watching. It’s frozen on a herd of Vikings with swords that look like they are invading a little town. “I’m just so upset that the Vikings hurt villages like that.” Please believe me.

Our teacher lets out a sigh and nods. “It really is upsetting. This part should be over soon.” They sit down and resume the movie. Phew

I look over to Reid, and he passes the note to Chloe and then turns to me, giving me a little smirk. Did he read my note? Did he see his name? I try to focus on the movie for the remainder of class, pushing down the embarrassment bubbling up through me.

Chapter 3 - Annika

It’s a tradition for Chloe and me to see the premiere of the new vampire movie Darkfall. Well, this is only the second year we’ve done it, but after seeing the first, we swore to each other that it would be a tradition, just the two of us. This year is extra special because we are seventh graders, which means we can go to the mall alone. Usually, my mom tags along with us, but I begged her this time. I had to promise to text her every half hour, but it was worth it.

My mom drops us off at the entrance of the theater about an hour before the movie, so Chloe and I can walk around the mall and sneak some snacks in the giant tote bag she brought with her.

“Remember, Anni, every half hour! If you forget, I’m going to call you,” my mom yells from her Jeep.

“Stop yelling. Everyone can hear you.” I swear my mom lives to embarrass me.

“I’m not yelling. I’m raising my voice. Have fun! Text me!” my mom yells again and waits until we walk inside to drive off.

She’s so protective of me it feels overwhelming sometimes. However, I push those feelings away because I think of Chloe and her parents.

As we step into the mall, Chloe reaches into her bag and pulls out a small stack of papers and her strawberry lip balm.

“Anni, my grandma Alice gave me a box of random crafts and paper. I found some old postcards inside that have these stamps with the letter ‘A’ on them. I thought they were cool, and you could add them to your scrapbook.”

She applies her lip balm and hands me three postcards that I flip over and look at each as we start walking around the mall.

One has “Nashville” in big letters on one side, which is where her grandma lives. The back has some cursive scribbles that are hard to read, but Chloe is right. There’s a pink stamp in the corner with a fancy “A.” The others are pictures of cats, with the same hard-to-read scribbles on the back and the same stamps but in blue and the other in green.

“These are so cool. I love them so much! I wonder what the note says,” I say, trying to squint and read.

“I’m not sure. I was trying to figure it out too, but my grandma writes so sloppy, I can never read the birthday cards she sends me. There were a lot of cool papers in the box, too, that I’m excited to paint on.”

I look at the postcards again, remembering the first postcard I ever received. It was from Chloe in fourth grade. She was visiting her aunt in Florida during Christmas break. We missed each other so much and tried to talk on the phone, but when I tried to call, she was already asleep. So one day, I got a postcard in the mail, and it was from Chloe. It had a picture of a beach with palm trees on one side. Chloe wrote, “Hi!! I miss you!! Love, Chloe!!” on the other side. There was a daisy stamp in the corner. I got a scrapbook so I could keep the postcard safe, a little memory tucked in the pages. 

I sent her a postcard back, and we always send one to each other when one of us travels far away from home. I think I’ve filled up half of the scrapbook with her postcards so far. Chloe’s the only one to send me postcards, but it’s cool to see these old ones that her grandma got. It’s kinda like reading a mini-story about someone’s life. I wonder if my mom has any old postcards I can add to the scrapbook as I take another look at the fancy “A” stamp.

“I’m definitely going to put these in my scrapbook. Thanks again,” she responds with a little wink and grabs my hand, skipping in the direction of the candy store.

I fill up a bag of peanut butter cups, and Chloe gets a mixture of gummy bears and sour straws. We are so different sometimes it makes me wonder why we are friends. But maybe us being different is why it works so well. We are never competing for the same things.

“Do you think I can fit a lemonade in my bag?” She walks over, slurping a sour straw in her mouth.

“Maybe if you don’t put the straw in and if you keep it really still.”

Before heading back to the theater, we load up her bag with two pink lemonades, a giant pretzel, and two corn dogs. I can already feel the stomach ache I’ll probably get later today, but this is our traditional movie food.

We buy tickets and make our way to the theaters, trying to act sly and hide Chloe’s bag from the theater attendant so they aren’t suspicious. We make it through easily and quickly slide over to Theater Five, where the movie is playing. Technically it premiered last night, but there was no way my mom was going to let us see it at midnight. Which reminds me I need to text her.

We find our seats at the very back center, unload her purse, then lay out all our snacks.

“So, is Reid your boyfriend yet or what?” Chloe gives me a sly look while sipping her lemonade.

My mouth drops open. “You can’t just say things like that out in public! What if someone from school hears you?” I quickly scan the theater. We arrived so early that we were the only ones in the theater. The previews haven’t even started yet.

“Oh, puh-lease, everyone knows you two like each other.” My face heats up at the topic of my crush. I can’t help it. I get all nervous but also excited to talk about Reid.

“Puh-lease back, not everyone knows. And besides, I don’t know if he likes me the way I like him.” I sip my lemonade, trying to remember any hints he’s given me.

“The way he looks at you in history class is so sweet. They could have an entire aisle dedicated to it at the candy store.”

“What kind of looks?”

“Like.” Chloe makes an exaggerated, happy puppy-dog look and then a silly smile. “Like that.”

“You look like you have the flu.”

She rolls her eyes. “Fine, maybe you don’t see it, but I do, and I think you should do something about it.”

I shrug and decide to eat my corn dog first while it’s hot. Chloe shoves a handful of gummy bears in her mouth. I notice that she has a sparkly bracelet on her right wrist that I haven’t seen before.

“Hey, when did you get that?” I ask, pointing to it and flicking one of the charms dangling from it. It looks like a dolphin.

“Oh, my dad got it for me.” She says quickly and then shoves another handful of candy in her mouth.

I squint at her because it’s not her birthday. I know the reason why her parents usually get her a present when it is a random day. It’s because they argued with each other in front of Chloe. Chloe hates when they argue. I’ve never seen them argue, but I don’t really see them often. When we hang out, I never go to her place. My mom always takes us to places, or we have sleepovers at my house. Chloe’s dad drives us to school, but that’s just because it’s on his way to work.

I think her parents don’t get along very well. My parents argue sometimes, but they always end their arguments laughing or talking normally. One time last year, my mom got a phone call, and my dad went to Chloe’s house to pick her up. Chloe stayed at our house for two days that summer. It was so fun to have her basically living with us, but I did think it was weird. I asked my mom about it after, and she said Chloe’s parents weren’t getting along and needed to work things out. I still don’t know why my dad went and got Chloe, though.

“Chloe?” I try to make my voice a bit more serious, so she stops inhaling candy. She freezes and looks at me. “Why did your dad get you a bracelet?”

Her eyes start to get watery, and she blinks the tears away. “Oh, he left for a couple of days. My mom was upset at him about something, and he left. But he’s back now, and he brought me back this bracelet,” she says, holding up her wrist and dangling the charms side to side.

I want to ask her more, but it makes me uncomfortable. I just want Chloe to be happy, and whenever we talk about her family, she gets sad. Besides, the movie is about to start.

The movie is just as awful as we both thought it would be, but we sit at the bench outside the theater, waiting for my mom to pick us up while debating who is the hottest character.

“Definitely, Jake the Mermaid is the best one,” Chloe says.

I wince back. “Jake? The fish? Ew, no way, my favorite is Lucian.”

“Lucian was the bad vampire! He kept trying to kill Freddie and his vampire family.”

“I like the villains. I feel like nobody roots for them.”

“That’s because they are the bad guys.”

I shrug and see a light shine on my face. I realize the sun reflected off a charm on Chloe’s bracelet, which reminds me of what we talked about earlier.

“If you need to stay at my house, I’m pretty sure my parents would be cool with it,” I say to her.

She scrunches her eyebrows. “Why would I need to stay at your house?”

“If… you know.” I point to her bracelet. “If your parents argue, you can stay at my house.”

Her eyebrows knit together, and she looks down at her bracelet. She covers it with her other hand pressing it hard into her wrist. I don’t know why she’s doing that, but it looks like it hurts.

“Hey, Chloe, stop! That looks like it hurts you.” She pulls her hand away from her wrist, and I notice the charms left indents on her skin. Her eyes are glassy again.

“My dad didn’t come back home,” she says quietly to me. “I lied.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t really know what to say, so I just stay quiet.

“My mom got me this bracelet because she said my dad probably won’t come back for a while.”

My only thought is, who is going to drive us to school? But I don’t think that’s the right thing to say. Instead, I reach my arm around her shoulders and bring her close to me.

“I-I don’t-that really sucks,” I finally say, which makes Chloe laugh and lean into my shoulder. I don’t know why she’s laughing, but I start laughing too.

“It sucks a lot. I miss my dad.” She sniffles. I think she’s crying. “Can I sleep over at your house tonight?”

“Always,” I say as she pulls away, wiping her tears.

“Promise you won’t leave me,” she says to me with the saddest look on her face. As if she actually thinks I’ll ever leave her. She’s my best friend for life, I’ll never leave her, and she better not leave me.

“I promise. You promise you won’t leave me,” I say back.

“I promise.” She smiles and pulls me in for a hug, nearly choking me with the force of her love.

My mom pulls up a few minutes later, and I ask if Chloe can stay the night, which she easily agrees to as if she knew I would ask, anyway. I feel bad that Chloe’s parents aren’t like mine, but I’m happy they treat her like she’s part of the family.

Chapter 4 - Annika

Four months go by, and my courage to ask Reid out still has not been found. During gym class, the different classes rotate doing different sports so nothing is too crowded, but every Wednesday, all the classes run the mile together.

Chloe says I’m in denial about my love for Reid. I don’t like him like that, I swear. Yes, he is the cutest boy in the school, and he always makes my stomach flurry when I see him. But I’m not in love with him like Chloe always says. It’s just a little crush. Tiny, teeny, little crush.

Last week I tripped on a rock while running the mile, falling on my hands and knees. The gravel track dug into my knees and palms as I fell, making me wince in pain. I turned around to sit and brush off the gravel when I saw Reid running over to help me up.

“How come you are always around whenever I embarrass myself?” I said to him as he helped me up. I swear I saw his cheeks blush a little when our hands touched.

His eyes brightened as he said, “Just trying to help you out. It looked like that trip hurt a lot.”

I rolled my shoulders back, trying to brush it off. “Well, thanks, but you don’t have to help me.”

“It’s okay. I like helping you when you fall. Your cheeks turn pink whenever I do.”

Oh my god. If I wasn’t embarrassed before, I definitely was then. He totally knows I have a crush on him.

“Hey, what’s that?” I said, pointing behind him. When he turned, I ran down the track.

He turned back and saw me running, laughing, and tried to catch up to me. He nudged my side as he met up with me, and we finished running the mile together, side by side. 

Our next gym unit is the dance unit. Our teacher tells us all the classes this period are doing the unit at the same time and that the girls have to pick partners, but we can ask anyone in any other class. I get so nervous at the thought of having to ask someone to dance. I wish Chloe was in this class with me or, at the very least, Isaac. Chloe and Isaac broke up in forth grade after dating for a month.

She said she liked him better as a friend rather than a boyfriend, whatever that means. But Isaac is my neighbor, and we give him a ride to school sometimes, so he’s really the only boy I’m closest friends with and would be an easy, safe choice to dance with. But neither of them are in this period of gym class, so I scan the room, looking around to see who I can partner up with. I look at the other boys in my class, and some look at me and then look away.

I’m going to have to dance with the teacher if no one wants to be my partner. I decide to walk over to the boy I sit next to in my math class because he seems nice until I feel a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around and see Reid standing across from me. My stomach starts flipping around in cartwheels.

“Hey Anni, do you have a dance partner yet?”

I breathe in a shaky breath. “No, not yet. I was trying to figure out who to ask.”

He looks down at his feet and then looks back up at me. “Well, you can ask me.”

“Ask you what?” I freeze, wondering what he’s talking about.

He giggles, and I can see his face turning red like a strawberry. “You can ask me to be your dance partner.”

My mouth forms an “O,” and I think I might faint in the middle of the gym.

“I mean, if you want to, no pressure.” He starts to fidget and look around.

I take a deep breath. “Do you want to be my dance partner, Reid?” He looks up at me with a huge smile on his face, the corners of his eyes turning up.

“I thought you’d never ask,” he says, reaching his hand out to take it and swirling me around in a circle.

Our dance unit lasted exactly a month. Reid and I learned how to waltz, square dance, and salsa. I could barely breathe the entire time while our hands touched and shoulders brushed as we do-si-doed. He kept tripping over his feet during the salsa, making us stop and start over every minute or so.

“You are a terrible dancer,” I’d say, laughing each time he tripped.

“I’m nervous, okay. Dancing is hard.” Reid huffed out a breath as we took the starting spot to begin the salsa dance again.

* * *

Spring Break is coming up, which means the spring dance is coming up. Our school has been talking about it all week. Whenever the announcer says, “Go with some friends or bring a date,” I get flooded with nervous feelings because I know who exactly I want to go to the dance with. The school is having it on the Saturday right before Spring Break, which is in two weeks.

I hope Reid asks me to the dance. Whenever he walks into history class, his eyes find mine first. I can’t help but smile and hide my blushing cheeks each time. Chloe is tired of my crush by now. Instead, she just rolls her eyes.

“Just ask him to the dance!” She tells me at lunch, leaning over the table and reaching for a cheese puff in my lunch box.

“I can’t do that. I think I’d die on the spot.”

“You asked him to dance in gym class. What’s the difference?”

“The difference is the girls were forced to ask for partners. And he came up to me. I was about to ask Trevor from my math class.”

Chloe scrunches her head back. “Trevor? Still, it’s so obvious you both like each other. Just ask him.”

“It isn’t obvious, and I’m still not one hundred percent sure if he likes me. Besides, who are you asking?” I say, trying to divert the attention away from me.

“I’m going solo,” she says, waving her finger around in the air. “Me, Desi, and Kate are all going as single girlies, less pressure, and we are going to form a circle so no boys try to dance with us.”

I roll my eyes because I know Chloe is going to end up finding a boy to slow dance with. I know about three guys who all have a crush on Chloe. She’s already turned down one of them.

The Friday before the dance arrives, and I’m still without a date for the dance. I decided on Monday that I’d ask Reid to go with me, but I’ve only seen him once all week. He wasn’t in gym class, and he showed up right as the bell rang for history class, which was the day we had our midterm, so I didn’t have the chance to ask him. I hope he didn’t catch a cold. Then I really will miss my chance to ask him. I guess I can go with the rest of the girlies and Chloe. A part of me hopes he still goes to the dance. I sit through my last class period of the day, drifting off in a daydream.

I walk into the gym that’s been transformed to look like a whimsical garden, lights are dim, and there are bubbles floating around in the air. I’m wearing a new pink and green dress that I got over the weekend. I see Reid across the room, and he’s wearing a matching green shirt. It’s perfect. He’s perfect. We walk to each other and dance. He’s the best dancer ever, spinning me and laughing. A slow song comes on, and we get closer to each other. He leans and gives me a little kiss. I smile.

“Excuse me, Miss Gomes. Please hand in your test.” I’m jolted out of my fantasy and pass my test to the front of the class, glaring at the kid next to me who is looking at me funny.

I hope my daydream comes true.

Saturday afternoon, Chloe and I walk into the gym, and it’s nothing like my daydream. All the lights are on, and only a few paper flowers decorate the space. Whoever was in charge did a terrible job. We find our other friends huddled by the refreshments area and join them.

I try to have fun all night, but I keep looking at the door and around the gym. Looking to see if Reid shows up. Chloe keeps saying I should’ve asked him earlier. But he’s clearly sick or busy. I hope he’s okay. It pains me when I realize it will be a full two weeks before I see him again. Okay, maybe my crush is a big one after all.

* * *

Spring break was so much fun. My family took a road trip to Yosemite. We saw the biggest trees of my life. My brothers and I took a picture holding hands, trying to hug a tree at the same time, and our arms still weren’t long enough to wrap around it. It was extra fun because Chloe got to come with us. We got matching Yosemite stickers at the gift shop that we put on our diaries, and I got three new postcards. Chloe gave me the best idea to use one to give to Reid when we get back to school.

I pick one that has a bunch of redwood trees and a little path winding through. A couple is holding hands, walking on the path. I think it's perfect to ask him to go out with me. On the other side, I write a note to him.

To Reid, 

Do you like me too?

O-Yes    O-Yes

Love, Anni

I almost wrote the “No” option, but I didn't want him to say no, so I didn’t give him an option. I know my dad keeps stamps in the top drawer of his desk. I fly downstairs, clutching the postcard close to my chest just in case my little brothers are running around. They might rip it out of my hands if they see.

I quietly open the drawer and flip through the stacks of envelopes and papers until I see the stack of stamps paper clipped together. I look through them and find the perfect one. “L-O-V-E,” it says with red, green, and yellow flowers.

I tuck the postcard in my binder to keep it safe just as I hear Chloe’s mom honking from outside. My dad tried to tell Chloe’s mom that he could go to work later to take us to school, but she insisted that she wanted to take us.

We get to school just as the bell for class rings, and Chloe and I run to our classrooms to not be late for the first day back from spring break.

The day goes by so slowly, and I’m counting the minutes until history class. In gym class, the classes were separate, so I haven’t seen Reid yet. Which is probably for the best because I think I’d throw up from nerves.

Finally, the fourth period rolls around, and I arrive early, placing the postcard, picture side up, on Reid’s desk. I contemplate going to the bathroom as class starts to avoid seeing him look at it.

Chloe comes in and walks to her desk, noticing the postcard on Reid’s desk, giving me a giant smile with two thumbs up. I give her a wobbly smile and thumbs up back.

The final bell rings, and Reid still hasn’t come to class. He is never late. I notice our teacher starting to walk in between the seats, and I swipe the postcard back, shoving it in the back pocket of my binder.

Just as he passes my seat, I tap him on the shoulder. “Hey, Mr. Francisco, is Reid sick or something?” I try to ask casually.

“Reid Parker? Oh, yes, he moved. Friday before spring break was his last day.” He must see my pained expression and continues. “However, that doesn’t mean you can take his seat just so you’re closer to Chloe. Stick to the seating chart Miss Gomes.”

I hate how he says my name, Go-mez. It’s almost right that it bugs me even more than when it’s pronounced terribly wrong. Wait, did he just say Reid moved?

“Chloe!” I whisper to her, leaning over Reid’s former desk. “Did you just hear that? He moved!”

“Who moved?” she asks, looking confused.

“Reid, Reid moved!”

A kid who sits in front of Chloe, I think his name is Steven, turns around to us, clearly listening to our entire conversation.

“I heard he moved to Colorado,” he says. “His dad got a job, and they moved, lucky. He didn’t have to take all the midterms.”

Chloe gives Steven an evil squint and fans her hand at him, which makes him turn away from us.

My heart falls out of my butt. Reid moved. I’m devastated.

As soon as I get home, I run up to my room and launch myself into my bed, crying into my pillow. I think I hear one of my brothers coming in after me.

“Get out!” I say, muffling into my pillow.

I feel a small hand caressing my head. “Why are you crying?” It’s Joey. He might dress in all black, but he’s a big softie on the inside and hates whenever I’m sad.

“Just leave me alone.” I don’t feel like explaining what heartbreak is to my nine-year-old brother.

He stays for a few minutes, not saying anything, just brushing my hair with his fingers. I feel him give me a little kiss on the head, and my bedroom door closes.

I wish I had asked Reid out earlier. But I was scared. I didn’t want to find out he didn’t like me back. I don’t know what is worse, being rejected by Reid or him moving and never getting the chance to find out. I roll off my bed and sit at my desk. I unlock my secret drawer in my desk and find my diary. “A+R,” I wrote on the cover with my favorite gel pens. I run my fingers over the letters and open the diary.

Fourth Grade - December

Dear Diary,

There’s a new boy in our school. He just moved here and doesn’t know anyone but has a ton of friends. He’s kind of cute, but I don’t like boys like that. They stink.

Love, Anni

Fifth Grade - September

Dear Diary,

You’ll never guess who is in my class this year. Well, yeah, Chloe, she’s always in my class. I’m pretty sure my mom is behind her, and I am always in the same classes. Anyway, it’s Reid. I think I have a crush on him. I didn’t know what it meant to have a crush, so I looked it up when we did computer lab. It said something about flutters and feeling excited to see someone. I have both of those things whenever I see him.

Love, Anni

Fifth Grade  - March

Dear Diary,

Reid said my shirt looked cool today.

Love, Anni

Sixth Grade  - July

Dear Diary,

Chloe is staying with us tonight. I think my mom said she’s staying tomorrow too. Chloe is brushing her teeth while I write here. I wish she could stay at our house all the time. I wish she was my real sister, not just my best friend. She makes me want to be brave like her. I never see her sad when her parents argue. I would be sad if mine argued like hers. Although I wouldn’t be sad if I got to sleep over at my best friend’s house.

I told Chloe about my crush on Reid tonight, and she said, “DUH!” I hope not everyone knows about my crush! Only you and my mom know. Well, now Chloe knows she better not spill the beans. Oh, I think she’s done brushing her teeth. Bye diary

Love, Anni

Seventh Grade  - February

I <3 Reid Parker I <3 Reid Parker I <3 Reid Parker I <3 Reid ParkerI <3 Reid Parker I <3 Reid ParkerI <3 Reid Parker I <3 Reid ParkerI <3 Reid Parker I <3 Reid ParkerI <3 Reid Parker I <3 Reid ParkerI <3 Reid Parker I <3 Reid Parker

I have probably twenty entries about all the times Reid made my heart skip a beat. I grab a pen from my drawer and start writing a new entry.

Seventh Grade  - May

Dear Diary,

My heart broke today. I didn’t know if I was in love, but the way my chest aches now is proof enough. I loved a boy and never told him. I wish I could go back in time. He’s gone. He didn’t even say goodbye. He could’ve told me. How did Steven find out!? Colorado? That’s not even in the same time zone. I don’t know if I’ll be able to recover. I just want to cry for the rest of my life.

Unloved,

Annika

I never want to be reminded of this heartbreak ever again. I slam the diary shut and shove the postcard I was supposed to give him inside. I tuck it under my arm and run to the side yard and throw it right in the big trash can. Garbage day is tomorrow, and it will collect all the pieces of my heart with it. I’m clearly not meant to fall in love.

I head back to my room and close the door, sulking for about another hour until Chloe storms into my room with an arm full of DVDs and a giant bag of kettle corn. We sit on my bed in my room, binge-watching cheesy rom-coms and eating popcorn while she listens to me complain about all the love scenes. She doesn’t even mention the boy I once loved at all, which I’m happy about. I don’t want to think about him. During the third movie, I’m sitting on the floor, and she’s braiding my hair while I cry at the part where the couple lives happily ever after.

I watch as the couple runs to each other, kissing in the rain. It makes me sick. As the credits roll up the screen, I vow to never fall in love. Ever. Again

Part 2 - College

Chapter 5 - Annika

I glare at a piece of hair that refuses to brush down with the rest of my shoulder-length black hair. Of course, my hair chooses eight a.m. on a Monday to be temperamental. Thankfully our suite mates don’t have class until later in the day, so I can take my time getting ready. Mine and Chloe’s dorm room share a bathroom with two other girls. They are nice, but I rarely ever see them. To be fair I don’t really make an effort either. Probably because I wake up earlier than everyone else just so I can have our small bathroom all to myself. It’s a process to look this cool and confident so no one realizes I’m second-guessing every decision I make.

I decide water is going to be the only thing that can tame this beast of a head of hair. So I gracefully shove my hair under the faucet and fish out Chloe’s blow dryer from under the sink that her mom gave her as a graduation gift. She rarely uses it because she says it changes her “natural wave.” The other suite mates and I use it more often than Chloe thinks about it.

Working meticulously, I tame the strand of hair that is trying to make me look like Alfalfa from The Little Rascals and flip the ends of my hair out so they land on my shoulders. Satisfied with the result, I move on to makeup, which these days is pretty simple. I cannot be bothered to go all out with blending eyeshadow and contour as I did in high school when all I do is sit through day-long lectures. I dab a bit of concealer under my eyes, a few swipes of my eyebrow pencil to define the ends, and a swoosh of mascara, which I stab the wand in my eyeball at least once a week. Before I duck out of the bathroom, I snap a few mirror selfies that I tell myself to post on my socials but probably won’t.

Tip-toeing out of the bathroom, I see Chloe is still in her bed, curled up with her comforter swirled around her like a nest. When we learned we could dorm together at UC San Diego, we squealed so loud I’m pretty sure my mom’s hearing hasn’t been the same since. I cannot imagine going through college, let alone life, with anyone else by my side. Chloe and I have always been there for each other.

We are both marketing majors, even though neither of us is certain what we want to do with our lives. I mean, does anyone even know what they want to do? Even if I did know what I wanted to do, how do I know I’m going to want to stick with that forever? It’s too much pressure.

If Chloe had her way, she’d probably ditch all pleasantries and become a beach bum, reading books all day, painting strangers' portraits for cash, and couch-surfing her way through life. Yet here we are, both pretending to live a life we think we are supposed to live.

I don’t dislike marketing, per se. I think it is all helpful information to learn, and if anything, I can use what I learn to be an influencer or publicist. It’s just each time I have to get ready for class, this cloud of dread looms over me. Like my subconscious is telling me it’s not really what I’m meant to do.

My intrusive thoughts tell me to drop out, but that will never happen. It means too much to my parents and my family that I see this through. I graduated high school with honors. It only makes sense that I go to college and continue the good streak. I’d be the first of my family to graduate college with a degree. I picture the future with my parents at my graduation as I walk across the stage with my diploma. That thought alone makes each day I climb out of bed to sit through a lecture on “Quantitative Methods of Business” worth it.

Moving on from my existential dread.

My outfit, or as I like to call it, my uniform, consists of high-waisted “boyfriend” jeans, a slouchy graphic tee, and a crew neck sweater that I tie around my shoulders. San Diego is seemingly always above seventy-five degrees, but the professors insist on keeping their classrooms at a bone-chilling sixty-two degrees, so a sweater is a necessity. I learned the hard way my first week of freshman year when I was giving the entire lecture hall a peep show through my tank top. My graphic tee today is a faded dark gray *NSYNC T-shirt. I slip on my dirty white Converse high-tops and grab my bag, chucking in a few books.

I smooch Chloe on the forehead before she pulls the covers over her face. “Bye, Chlo, don’t miss class at eleven!” I yell at her before leaving our room.

I walk past a few other students studying on the plush bean bags in the lounge as I head through the halls of our dorm. Zura Hall isn’t anything special with its gray carpets and gray walls except for the “pop” color wall here and there. The lounge has a tangerine orange wall with a cork board where people tack flyers and notes. At least it’s a little more updated than the other dorm buildings, and lucky for me, it’s only three buildings down from my first class of the day.

The sun burns my eyes immediately as I walk outside, and I scramble to fish my sunglasses out of my giant tote bag. I will never get used to how the sun in Southern California can somehow see into my soul with its brightness. Even though I grew up a few hours from San Diego, it feels like I’m in the Mojave desert down here.

Even in the morning, the sun is out at the crack of dawn as if saying, “Good Morning Anni! It’s time to face the rest of your life!”

As I strut along one of the winding paths toward my lecture hall, I spot Isaac in the corner of my eye, walking in the same direction. Before I get the chance to swivel away so he doesn’t see me, he immediately spots me and jogs over, yelling my name and waving his hands around in the air. Crap.

Isaac’s been my neighbor growing up through childhood, so we’ve stayed friendly enough to each other. It is nice to know someone else from our hometown here. I can tolerate him most of the time, but he is always trying to get me to come to one of his parties. I went to one at the start of freshman year, and it was something I’d never like to relive. His fraternity, Delta Psi, is no doubt the party, wild boy frat. They throw parties almost every weekend and it usually consists of music that is too loud, beer that is watered down, and frat guys trying to feel you up whenever you walk past. His frat brothers, especially the upperclassman, are a little too eager to get their hands on all the new pretty girls that show up for their parties, and unfortunately, I was one of those at that first party I attended.

Isaac is nearly out of breath after his thirty-second jog over to me. “Hey, Anni! How’s it hanging? We missed you at last weekend’s rager.”

I roll my eyes, and my gaze goes down to inspect his outfit today. He is wearing dark blue cargo shorts and a brick red shirt that reads “Don’t Worry, I Pull Out!” with a winking cartoon loveseat below it. Sick.

“Yeah, you know I haven’t shown up to one of your parties ever since Trey grabbed my ass within the first minute of walking in,” I say as I try to keep walking toward my class, hoping Isaac gets the hint that I don’t want to have a morning chit-chat.

“Well, I hope you change your mind. This weekend is my birthday, and hopefully, you can make an exception for me.”

He strokes my arm and gives me the worst display of puppy-dog eyes I’ve ever seen.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll see about that. I have a lot of studying to do, and exams are next week.”

Which isn’t a complete lie? I do have a quiz in my photography elective class. And it’s not so much of a quiz and more so we have to submit all the pictures we’ve taken in the past month. Still, I’d rather get a root canal than go to another Delta Psi party.

“If it makes you feel any better, it’s not hosted by my frat. Well, I guess, yes, it is technically at the frat house, but I’m hosting it and only inviting my closest compadres.” He finishes with a wink and finger guns. 

I roll my eyes, pondering over the possibility of maybe going to another college party. It does help the smallest bit that Isaac is in charge of the guess list. Isaac’s friends are mostly guys in his major, a few other people from our high school, and Chloe and I.

“Chances are still slim, but I’ll let you know. Gotta get to class, see ya.”

He does a double-air punch as if he’s made a touchdown and waves goodbye as he saunters to the building next to my lecture hall. The invitation lingers in my mind a bit longer as I consider actually going. I’m not sure why, but a part of me is drawn to go to this party. Not because it’s Isaac’s birthday. I really couldn’t care less about that. I feel like I should be going to more parties and outings as a college student. It’s only been a few months, but I am in the same routine of waking up, going to class, getting lunch with Chloe, doing homework, rinse, and repeat.

Occasionally Chloe and I venture out to the beach or thrift shops. Even though I’m away at college, it feels like I’m not getting the college experience. I haven’t even made any actual new friends since being here. I can’t even remember the names of my suite mates I share a bathroom with. Is it Charlotte and Abby? No, no, I think it’s Carly and Aimee. Shit, I’m the worst roommate.

All I know about Carly and Aimee is what they look like and that they are always trying to get Chloe and me to go partying with them. Carly is the louder of the two. She is always singing out loud with her headphones in, and we can clearly hear her through the shared wall. She’s almost six feet tall and has envious long silky brown hair. I think she’s here on a volleyball scholarship. Aimee is the polar opposite, standing at just under five feet tall with a short blond pixie cut. She’s studying archeology or anthropology. Or was it architecture? I really should get to know them better.

With Chloe being my roommate and studying the same major as me, we see each other all the time. It’s effortless for us to stick to each other like glue. Even a handful of people from my hometown go to UCSD, like Isaac, but what’s the point of hanging out with anyone else when I can hang out with my favorite person? The guilt of feeling like I should do more and not doing enough sticks to me, and I try to brush it off as I walk into the lecture hall. I need to focus on class and pretend like this is what I’m supposed to be doing.

“Class was brutal. Mr. Tahoma lectured for two hours straight. I was starting to hear him like a Peanuts teacher by the end of it.” Chloe slides into the picnic table seat with her lunch tray. She is vegan this week, so her lunch consists of iceberg lettuce, an array of fruit slices, and a cup of baked beans.

I cannot help but notice how her outfit today is so sweet and effortless. She can do the smallest amount and still look like a goddess. Her long, ashy blond hair has two braids on either side of her face while the rest cascades down her back in a mass of tangled curls. She is wearing her trusty paint-splattered overalls with a white tank top underneath and Rainbow-brand flip-flops. Her fair skin has freckled quite a bit in the San Diego sun. She pulls out a tube of strawberry lip balm and reapplies. I cannot believe she still uses those, but she swears the scents are better than any other brand. I think it tastes like candle wax.

“Can you bring me dinner tonight when you come to the show? I won’t have time to pick up anything because I need to set up my stall,” Chloe says, scooping a portion of beans in her mouth.

“Sure, you want a bean and cheese burrito?”

Chloe winces and looks at me like I said something dumb. “Cheese is not vegan.”

“Well, then, what, beans only?”

“Yes, actually, that’s perfect.” She nods and smiles.

I’m looking forward to when she starts incorporating more foods in her diet, or at least less beans.

“What time should I come by, and do you need help setting up?” Chloe has her second art show tonight.

She’s been taking an art elective that I’m pretty sure she spends more of her energy on than her actual major. She’s an amazing artist. I thought she should’ve majored in fine art, but she said she could never do that. I get it. What kind of jobs can you get with a degree like that? Even though she’d probably enjoy studying it more than Marketing.

I have a painting Chloe gave me when we graduated high school hung above my desk in our dorm. It’s a painting of two girls sitting on the beach, looking out at the water. It makes me so happy and relaxed whenever I look at it. Chloe is her best self whenever she’s painting. She zones out as soon as a paintbrush enters her grasp, and she’ll paint for hours like it’s meditation.

“Can you come by around five? It starts at six pm. You can help me hang the canvases.”

“Sounds good,” I say, adding a reminder on my phone. “Oh hey, I ran into Isaac. He invited us to his birthday party this weekend.” I reluctantly bring up my interaction as I push around my mac and cheese on my plate, hoping that Chloe will say she planned something else for us to do this weekend instead.

“Oh yea! He texted me about it. We should totally go! I know you never want to go but come onnnnn, Anni, how are you supposed to enjoy all the hot dudes who go to school here if you don’t get out there.”

Dammit.

Chloe has been so hung up on me finding “the one” ever since she started flirting with the barista at the campus coffee shop nearest to our dorm. She dreams of having double dates with our significant others. But then she also reminds me to play the field. It’s all so confusing. I don’t know what I even want, let alone if I want to date anyone right now. Besides, it's not like I haven’t tried. I went out with a boy from my Intro to Marketing class a couple of months ago. We went to get ice cream at the boardwalk by the beach, and twenty minutes into the date, he said I would look prettier with a boob job, so suffice it to say, he wasn’t the one for me.

“I don’t know if I want to date any of the ‘hot dudes’ at a frat party. I’d rather be flipping through the vintage  rack at one of my favorite thrift stores. I look up and catch a cute boy’s eyes. We buy matching T-shirts, and the rest is history.” I look up, and Chloe’s mouth is agape.

“Wow, you’ve put some thought into this.”

“Not really, just random fantasies. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind dating someone tolerable, but I haven’t had much luck.”

“Well, keep an open mind this weekend. You never know who might steal your heart.” She clutches her chest like she’s been shot by Cupid’s arrow.

I may regret this later.

“Fine, fine, we can go to his party, but you need to promise not to leave my side. We need to keep the buddy system. I don’t trust any of those frat guys.”

Chloe shimmies in her seat. “Yay! I’m so excited. I’m bringing Dane.”

She bats her eyelashes at the mention of her current fling. The barista boy. She flirted with him endlessly since we started the second semester, hoping he’d get the hint. He didn’t, so Chloe just gave him her phone number one day because she was sick of waiting. So far, he seems nice. I haven’t talked to him much, but I can tell Chloe is having fun.

Who knows, this party could be amusing. I am already feeling stressed from school, so it will be a nice break from constantly thinking about all the assignments that are due soon. Maybe we’ll go shopping for new outfits beforehand.

Shopping is one of those moments for me where I’m completely in bliss. I love bopping around Gaslamp and seeing what new items arrive at the vintage shops each week. The thrill of putting an outfit together or stumbling upon a vintage band T-shirt gets me eager to run out of this cafeteria just thinking about it. I’d never admit it to Chloe, but a part of me is a little excited to go. It feels like this party might be different from others.